They spill what they’re too nervous to share with you—plus what you can do to stop the bitterness. It’s a double-edged sword:
1. Men tend to outsource their social lives to their wives, yet they grow resentful when they feel like they have no say. “Not talking to your spouse before making decisions essentially wipes him out and makes him feel like a child who is constantly being told what to do,” says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. Speak about and agree on which decisions he wants to be involved with—whether he wants in on all plans that involve both of you, or gives you the clear to schedule social events on Saturdays as long as you keep Sundays free to relax. “Involving him in family plans sends the message that his feelings and needs are important to you,” Turndorf adds.
2. Of course you want to be there for your kids, a job that takes up approximately 110 percent of your time and energy, which is why it’s so easy to find that your marriage has slipped into cruise control. But it’s worth thinking about the huge impact putting even a quarter as much effort into your relationship as you put toward your kids could have. To get back on track, greet your husband before your kids when you walk in the door, and the next time they interrupt your conversation, explain that you are talking to Daddy and will chat with them next. “Both actions send the message that your partner is important to you,” says marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall, author of My Husband Doesn’t Love Me, and He’s Texting Someone Else. And next time you tuck a message into your kids’ lunchboxes, stick one in your guy’s jacket—men like to know you’re thinking about them, too.
3. The one thing men hate more than criticism may be public put-downs, whether it’s rolling your eyes with a girlfriend over the fact that your husband always loses his keys or bonding over feeling like he’s your third kid. “Complaining about your spouse in front of him is shaming, demeaning, and toxic to the relationship because it makes him feel like a child,” says marriage and family therapist Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D. “Women need to be hyper-diligent to resist the impulse to make these comments. After all, think about how you would feel if your husband did the same to you.” You’re better off going the opposite route and finding ways to praise your husband to friends and family. Not only does it give you a boost when you say positive things about him, but he’ll also get an extra dose of appreciation, so you both feel more connected.
4. Starting a conversation with, “I’d like to talk about our sex life,” is generally met by, “Why, what’s wrong with it?” “Sex is an emotionally charged topic, and that causes people to get defensive and resentful if they feel like their needs aren’t being met,” says Marshall. The trick to a successful discussion is to point out everything you love about your sex life—from his best moves to the sexiest place you’ve ever done the deed. From there ask, “That was pretty incredible! How can we top it next time?” “Not only does this approach put both partners in a sexy frame of mind, it also shifts the conversation from changing what’s wrong with your sex life to building on the good one you already have,” adds Marshall.
5. “Ruminating over issues you’ve already resolved is bad for both of you,” says marriage therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis, founder of Divorce Busting. “It pushes him away and leaves you miserable.” If you can’t let it go, it’s important to hash it out, but do so in a way that focuses on what’s bothering you now rather than recounting his previous failures. Ask yourself, Is holding a grudge getting the results I want or making me happy? Only once you recognize that it’s keeping you down will you be able to move on. “And remember that forgiveness is a conscious decision,” says Weiner-Davis. “If you wait for the feeling to wash over you, you’ll wait forever.” Letting go of past grievances is freeing because it helps you start fresh, which makes fights fairer and makes him less likely to bring up your past mistakes.
6. It’s a double-edged sword: Men tend to outsource their social lives to their wives, yet they grow resentful when they feel like they have no say. “Not talking to your spouse before making decisions essentially wipes him out and makes him feel like a child who is constantly being told what to do,” says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. Speak about and agree on which decisions he wants to be involved with—whether he wants in on all plans that involve both of you, or gives you the clear to schedule social events on Saturdays as long as you keep Sundays free to relax. “Involving him in family plans sends the message that his feelings and needs are important to you,” Turndorf adds.
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| The Top 6 Things That Make Men Resentful |
2. Of course you want to be there for your kids, a job that takes up approximately 110 percent of your time and energy, which is why it’s so easy to find that your marriage has slipped into cruise control. But it’s worth thinking about the huge impact putting even a quarter as much effort into your relationship as you put toward your kids could have. To get back on track, greet your husband before your kids when you walk in the door, and the next time they interrupt your conversation, explain that you are talking to Daddy and will chat with them next. “Both actions send the message that your partner is important to you,” says marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall, author of My Husband Doesn’t Love Me, and He’s Texting Someone Else. And next time you tuck a message into your kids’ lunchboxes, stick one in your guy’s jacket—men like to know you’re thinking about them, too.
3. The one thing men hate more than criticism may be public put-downs, whether it’s rolling your eyes with a girlfriend over the fact that your husband always loses his keys or bonding over feeling like he’s your third kid. “Complaining about your spouse in front of him is shaming, demeaning, and toxic to the relationship because it makes him feel like a child,” says marriage and family therapist Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D. “Women need to be hyper-diligent to resist the impulse to make these comments. After all, think about how you would feel if your husband did the same to you.” You’re better off going the opposite route and finding ways to praise your husband to friends and family. Not only does it give you a boost when you say positive things about him, but he’ll also get an extra dose of appreciation, so you both feel more connected.
4. Starting a conversation with, “I’d like to talk about our sex life,” is generally met by, “Why, what’s wrong with it?” “Sex is an emotionally charged topic, and that causes people to get defensive and resentful if they feel like their needs aren’t being met,” says Marshall. The trick to a successful discussion is to point out everything you love about your sex life—from his best moves to the sexiest place you’ve ever done the deed. From there ask, “That was pretty incredible! How can we top it next time?” “Not only does this approach put both partners in a sexy frame of mind, it also shifts the conversation from changing what’s wrong with your sex life to building on the good one you already have,” adds Marshall.
5. “Ruminating over issues you’ve already resolved is bad for both of you,” says marriage therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis, founder of Divorce Busting. “It pushes him away and leaves you miserable.” If you can’t let it go, it’s important to hash it out, but do so in a way that focuses on what’s bothering you now rather than recounting his previous failures. Ask yourself, Is holding a grudge getting the results I want or making me happy? Only once you recognize that it’s keeping you down will you be able to move on. “And remember that forgiveness is a conscious decision,” says Weiner-Davis. “If you wait for the feeling to wash over you, you’ll wait forever.” Letting go of past grievances is freeing because it helps you start fresh, which makes fights fairer and makes him less likely to bring up your past mistakes.
6. It’s a double-edged sword: Men tend to outsource their social lives to their wives, yet they grow resentful when they feel like they have no say. “Not talking to your spouse before making decisions essentially wipes him out and makes him feel like a child who is constantly being told what to do,” says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. Speak about and agree on which decisions he wants to be involved with—whether he wants in on all plans that involve both of you, or gives you the clear to schedule social events on Saturdays as long as you keep Sundays free to relax. “Involving him in family plans sends the message that his feelings and needs are important to you,” Turndorf adds.
